Designer Bags to Diaper Bags

A Single Girl's Quest to Becoming a Mom, Finding Love, and Everything In Between…


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Celebrate You And Be Good To Yourself!

Wow!  I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve last written a post.  It started out with me just wanting to take a break from all forms of social media, and then when I brought myself back online I really wasn’t in the mood to write anything.  I have been keeping up with the posts from my fellow SMCs.  I’ve silently shared in the happy and the not so happy posts and you have all been in my thoughts and prayers…

There’s nothing new to report on the TTC front.  And other than being super busy at work, there hasn’t been much else to report.  Lately, I haven’t been in the mood to do anything but lay on my couch and watch movies.  I’m not a winter person, and the cold weather just makes me want to hibernate.  I have been perfectly content with doing nothing but I realized that I haven’t really done anything special for myself in a very long time.  All of my money and time (both emotional and physical time) was spent on TTC that I neglected me.

So for the last couple of weeks I decided that I needed to change that.  I went out and bought myself some new outfits and a new purse.  It felt good to treat myself for a change and not worry about trying to save money.

Saturday was my birthday and I was so not looking forward to it.  I looked at it as just a day to highlight what I have not achieved by the age of 39 and didn’t want to do anything to celebrate it.  But I realized that that was the wrong way to look at it and I’m glad I changed my mind.  I started the day by having brunch with my friend B, who I always love hanging out with, and my other friend E.  We went to a place that serves fried chicken and doughnuts.  How could you go wrong with that?!  We had a great time eating our fried treats.  After brunch, I met up with my mom, brother, niece and nephew and we took a road trip to my hometown — New York City.  The four hour drive there was filled with nothing but laughter.

My niece and nephew absolutely love NYC and couldn’t wait to get to Times Square and walk around in the bright lights.  We walked around for a bit, grabbed something to eat, and then walked over to see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center.  I haven’t been to see the tree in such a long time and forgot how huge it is.  It was beautiful.  After walking around for a little while longer, we went to check into the hotel and called it a night.  The next morning we got up and had breakfast and surprised the kids by taking them to FAO Schwartz for a little toy shopping.  They loved it!  I then took myself to Tiffany & Co. for a birthday present for myself, and I felt just like the kids while they were in the toy store — happy!  I didn’t even hesitate when I had to pay for it.  It felt great to celebrate me!

Spending time this weekend with the people that are important to me made me forget about what I don’t have and focus on what I do have.  I may not have a baby yet, but I do have the love of family and friends.  And for that I am grateful!  As I sit here typing this post, I’m looking over at the beautiful roses my parents gave me for my birthday, and smelling the fragrance that has filled the air.  I am reminded that you should always make time to smell the roses and treat yourself right!  Looking forward to what this next year brings…  🙂

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What’s The Opposite Of Positive?

Negative!!  And that’s what my beta test result was.  Nurse R called me on Friday with the news.  I wasn’t surprised considering the odds were slim going in and since I had absolutely no symptoms during my TWW.

I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t disappointed, but being realistic throughout the TWW helped to minimize the disappointment.  I was happy however to be able to stop taking those progesterone suppositories.  Along with the anxiety of wondering what was going on inside of my body, taking that progesterone was the worst part of the TWW.  And I was super happy to be able to take some medicine to help dry up all of the congestion I had from my cold.  I used the rest of the weekend to recuperate and am feeling so much better now.  Hooray for cold & allergy medicine!!


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I Feel Like Crap!

Last night, after hanging out with K, I got home and was so tired.  I didn’t have any strength to watch television or anything else.  I immediately put on my pajamas and feel asleep at 8:30 pm.  My sleep was nice and peaceful until 4:00 am when I woke up with a very painful sore throat.  My immediate thought was to run to my medicine cabinet for my trusty supply of dimetapp and a throat lozenge.

But when I got to the bathroom it hit me: “You can’t take any of this because you don’t know if you are pregnant!”  And at that moment I kind of got angry.  I just wanted to feel better but couldn’t do anything at the moment to do so.  If I knew I was pregnant, or had any symptoms of pregnancy, I probably wouldn’t have been so upset because I know the denial of medicine is for a greater cause.  But the not knowing made the way I was feeling even worse.

So I went back to bed and tried to go to sleep but I couldn’t.  I tossed and turned with every swallow, sneeze and cough.  And I’ve been up ever since, with the exception of a 10 minute nap on the couch.  Aside from drinking some tea, or sipping on some lemon juice and honey, I don’t even know what I can do to make myself feel better right now.  I feel like crap and this sucks!

My appetite is still lacking and everything I eat tastes like it has no flavor.  Although I did just enjoy some celery sticks with salt and a cup of mango nectar.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my food but for the last week I have only been eating just to eat so I’m not hungry.  The only thing that’s bringing me some comfort right now is curling up on the couch, under a blanket, next to my dog.

I also had a crying spell today, which was so weird.  I was watching the series finale of Dexter, which I had on DVR, and I started balling my eyes out as it neared the end.  Why the heck was I crying over a show about a serial killer?!!  These progesterone pills are messing with my hormones!

I guess the only “good” thing that came from this cold is that it prevented me from going to the store to buy a home pregnancy test.  Yesterday I made up my mind that I was going to POAS.  I just wanted to know one way or the other what the results are.  Guess I’ll have to wait at least one more day…

 


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Symptom Spotting (This Is Torture)

I am 7 & 6 days post IUIs number 1 & 2, and this two week wait (tww) is killing me!  It’s amazing how calm I was the first couple of days.  I was even joking with my mom, who came with me for IUI #2, about how she’s probably the only grandparent that was in the room when their grandchild was created.  In the midst of my cramps from the procedures, I was in an extremely positive mood.  However, things started to change around day 4…

Every moment that I’m not busy doing something I’m either thinking about my chances or researching “early pregnancy symptoms”.  Every little twinge or cramp I get, I am symptom spotting and wondering what’s going on inside my body.  To tell you the truth, aside from the cramps that I had up until Tuesday, which was 5 & 4 days post IUIs, I haven’t had any symptoms.  The cramps are gone.  I had a slight spell of nausea while eating some oatmeal the other morning, but I think that was from a combination of the progesterone pills and just me worrying myself sick.  I think I’m constantly trying to create some symptoms in my head.  I tell myself it’s ok not to have any symptoms because it’s way too early to expect to see any, but it doesn’t help reading all of the stuff on the net about women who “just know” immediately after they conceive or start having symptoms right away.

My question is, how do you remain hopeful and positive while at the same time being realistic?  I want to remain positive and think that I am PUPO, but I also don’t want to get my hopes up so much and be disappointed if the results aren’t what I want them to be.  I know my chances for this attempt were very slim.  And I decided to “go big or go home” and take the risk.  But now the odds, or lack thereof, are constantly on my mind.  This tww is torture!!!

And I usually use food as my comfort, but I have totally lost my appetite.  Nothing tastes right to me.  What’s this foodie to do?  I can’t even have a drink to help calm my nerves.  Again, this tww is torture.

I am trying my best not to pee on a stick.  On one hand I say just wait until the blood test.  On the other I say, well, if you get a negative before the blood test then you will be more prepared for the results from the blood test and it won’t be a surprise.  I guess Sunday is the earliest I could pee on a stick.  Will I be able to hold out???


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Full Moon

Full Moon

They say the moon is a symbol of fertility.  And tonight, the moon is so full and so bright.  While driving home I felt like I could just reach out and touch it.  It’s such a beautiful site and I’m at peace staring at it.  How apropos that the day of my first IUI there’s this big, beautiful moon shining for me.

Another coincidence about the moon and my IUI was that Dr. N wasn’t available to do my IUI today, so another doctor did it.  And what was her name?  Dr. Moon!  Another positive sign for this IUI???  I’ll take any positive signs I can get!!

I was nervous all day leading up to the IUI.  It was an extremely busy and stressful day at work.  I couldn’t wait to get out of my meeting to head to the clinic.  I was a ball of nerves in the cab ride over to the clinic, but as soon as I got there I started to feel calm.  It probably helped that I was texting my friend B the whole time and she was telling me to relax and calm down so I could have a stress free uterus.  Thanks B!!

After waiting for a little bit, the nurse finally took me into the room and I sat there and waited for the doctor to come in.  When she came in, she introduced herself and then we reviewed the vial to make sure it was McSpermie.  Once confirmed, she told me that I had an excellent sample and I couldn’t ask for better.  McSpermie had given me 76 million swimmers!  I couldn’t believe the number.  I didn’t even realize the count could get that high.  Dr. Moon started the insemination and it went pretty quickly.  She did warn me that I may experience a little leakage because the volume was so high that it actually filled my uterine cavity.  When she was finished I laid there for a bit to give those swimmers a chance to do their thing.  McSpermie did a great job so far, now my body just needs to cooperate and do her job.  My egg does not need to be a wallflower.  She needs to get out on the dance floor and introduce herself to the 76 million guests that came to visit her and party!

Overall, the experience was smoother than I expected.  Even though I’m really not sure what I expected.  I know the nerves mainly came from not knowing what was going to happen.  And now that I know what to expect, IUI #2, for that extra boost of swimmers, should be even smoother tomorrow.

For now, I’m remaining hopeful and going to think positive thoughts for the next two weeks (I already know it’s going to be a long two weeks).  Right now, I’m going with the I’m pregnant until proven otherwise, or “pupo”, philosophy!  And with that, I’m going to eat some coconut pineapple ice cream, while I lay in bed and relax and stare at the moon through the skylight over my bed.


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Taking A Leap Of Faith

I went in this morning for my additional ultrasound and blood work to see if my left follicle grew any.  After my blood work I went to the ultrasound room and waited for the tech to come in.  To my pleasant surprise it was Dr. N that walked through the door.  She said that she wanted to personally do the scan with hopes that things were looking better.  I was happy to see her and her baby bump.  She told me over the phone yesterday that she was expecting and would be out of the office next month on maternity leave.  Although I’ve had a couple of conversations with her, I hadn’t seen her since May so wasn’t able to see her growing belly, which was a pleasant surprise.  I was hoping that she would pass off her baby making juju on me…

After looking at my lining, she went to look at the right follicle.  Of course it was doing fine.  It grew 1 mm overnight and was now measuring 23 mm, so it was nice and ripe.  If only it was on my left side…  She then checked the left and with disappointment discovered that instead of growing it actually shrunk.  Yesterday it was measuring 12 mm; today it was 10 mm.  Dr. N searched in earnest to see if she could find anything else on the left, but there was nothing of substance.  We discussed the findings, or lack thereof, and I told her that I still wanted to go through with the IUI tomorrow.  She said that was fine, wished me good luck and told me to wait for Nurse R to call me later with my instructions.

I decided I was going to take a leap of faith and pray for the best.  I was up all night reading stories of women who conceived with one fallopian tube and one ovary, each on the opposite side of each other.  The fallopian tube picked up the egg that was released by the opposite side ovary.  So it’s possible…  And we still don’t know definitively that my tube is blocked.  So there’s still chance, right?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained!  After all these months of delay, I at least need to give it a try.  And my follicle is so ripe it’s just waiting to release my egg and meet McSpermie.  I feel like I just need to give it a good faith try and see what the next two weeks bring.

When Nurse R called, she told me that my blood work indicated that I was starting to surge so I didn’t have to take the trigger shot tonight.  That right follie is just so anxious to get out!  So my IUI is scheduled for 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.  I’m a little nervous but I’m going to continue to think positive thoughts and hope my leap of faith pays off.