I’m sleepy! I got up at 5:30 this morning to make it to the clinic at 7:30 for my cycle day 3 screening. DC traffic is just awful! It takes me an hour to drive to work when I leave at my normal rush hour time of 8:00. I was hoping leaving the house at 6:30 there would be less traffic but I was sadly mistaken and it took me an hour to get to the clinic.
After I signed in I had to wait for about 20 minutes for the nurse to call me. As I sat there, a flood of emotions came over me. I was excited, nervous, happy, and just a tad bit sad. The sadness came when I saw other patients sitting next to their husbands, or if they were alone, when I saw their lovely little wedding bands as they flipped through the pages of magazines while they waited. I got a little envious as I sat there alone… Luckily the nurse finally called my name before I was able to wallow in my feelings.
I first went to give blood and then went in for my ultrasound. As she looked at my ovaries and uterus, the ultrasound tech said: “Everything looks great! Your lining is nice and thin. No polyps or cysts.” She told me that Nurse R would call me later in the day with my blood test results and let me know when to start taking the clomid. Nurse R wound up calling me around 2:00 and told me that my blood work was good and that I should start taking the clomid tonight. She also scheduled me to come back in on Monday for my cycle day 10 scans.
I think once she told me this, reality hit me that I was really doing this. I was still happy but for some reason that little bit of sadness was lingering in the background. I sat with my feelings for a bit and tried to figure out where they were coming from. Why was I feeling lonely today? I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t have a relationship and honestly I am fine with that. I realized the other day that I didn’t have the tolerance to try to find someone to date while getting myself ready for my IUI. Even when I had the opportunity to try to get to know someone I didn’t put forth any effort. My mind was elsewhere and I just didn’t care for going through the motions of initial conversations and potential first dates.
And truth be told, even if I met the perfect guy right now I would still go through with my IUI. But every now and then I’d like a companion, or heck, just a male body to lay next to at night. I recently took down my profile from match.com so there aren’t going to be any prospects anytime soon. And even though I’ve kind of given up on the male factor, having my profile up gave me a little glimmer of hope that maybe I would meet someone. I think it hit me today that that glimmer was gone and I miss having some testosterone in my life. I know it’s probably my hormones, and that’s what I’m going to blame it on! These feelings will pass. I’m just going to focus on my goal of becoming a mom — something that will definitely bring me joy.
Until then, I’m going to eat some cake (which always puts a smile on my face) and think positive thoughts…