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A Single Girl's Quest to Becoming a Mom, Finding Love, and Everything In Between…

Fear, Fear, Go Away!

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My weekend started out rough.  It began Friday with a phone call that I wasn’t expecting.  I took my car to the shop for a scheduled maintenance appointment.  Going into the appointment I was already prepared to pay $1,7000.  My car is 8 years old (and I thought in pretty good condition).  Every so often I get that itch for that new car scent but I tell myself that my need not to have a new car payment trumps the urge for shiny new paint and that fresh new car scent.  So my goal is to keep my car for at least another two years, hence me deciding to pay the excess maintenance cost.  When I left my car at the shop Friday morning, I was expecting to get a call from the mechanic later that afternoon telling me when I could pick up my car.  My assumption was wrong…

What I heard from the mechanic was a laundry list of things that needed to be fixed with an estimated repair cost of an additional $3,000!  I was in total shock when I heard this and thought “where the hell am I going to get this money from?”  I immediately got sad because I just saw all of my IUI money quickly going out the door.  I started adding up my estimated costs for one round of IUI (including the purchase of sperm), plus the cost to fix my car, plus some additional bills that I’m already obligated to pay, and subtracted that from what’s in my bank account and what was left wasn’t a pleasant number.  My sadness was overwhelming and my next thought was: “Can I really afford to have this baby?”  I sat with that question for some time and was truly conflicted.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have two irrational fears: 1) being broke and 2) being homeless.  I say they are irrational because I’ve never really been close to either one of those things happening, so where these fears came from I have no idea.  And no matter how much I tell myself it’s irrational, I can’t get rid of them.  So when I added up all of the numbers it scared the hell out of me and the fear was overwhelming.  My thoughts were: “I can’t go through with this because I can’t afford it.”; “What if I spend all of my money and it doesn’t work?  I’ll be broke without a baby.”; “If it does work, my child is already starting out with a disadvantage by not having a father.  Now it’s going to have a mother who is broke and can’t provide for it.”; “What if something happens and I need extra money, where am I going to get it from?”; “Is this really worth it?  Maybe I shouldn’t go through with this.”  My mind was racing and my fear was pushing me towards throwing in the towel and not going through with my plans.

As I was contemplating things I went to the pharmacy to refill my prescriptions — all of the medicine I’m taking to prepare my body to conceive and carry a baby.  I was already feeling beat up and when I got to the counter the pharmacist hit me with another blow.  My prenatal vitamins, which are not covered by my insurance, have increased by $15.  So instead of $60 a month, they are now $75 a month.  When I heard this, I looked at the pharmacist with a blank stare, told her to forget it, and walked out of the pharmacy.  I took this new information as a sign that this is just way too expensive and I surely can’t go through with this.  I drove home, sat on the couch with my emotions and cried.

In that moment, I realized how paralyzing fear can be.  I didn’t want to move or think.  I didn’t want to have to make any decisions.  My fears, irrational as they may be, made me not want to pursue a goal that I’ve wanted to accomplish for so long.  How do I overcome my fear?  I don’t know if I can truly overcome it.  I do know that I have to push through it if I really want to achieve my goal and become a mom.  So I spent Saturday reworking the numbers and telling myself that it’s going to be rough, but I can do it.  I’ll just have to sacrifice and tighten my budget a little bit, but for now, it’s full steam ahead on the ride to mommyhood.  (If money grew on trees it would be so much easier!)

I spent Sunday with my family celebrating Father’s Day.  Looking at the love shared between my brother and my niece and nephew enforced my feelings — I can’t wait to share that same type of love with my child.  So I’m telling my fear to go away and leave me alone.  Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy to pick up that prescription and get back on track.  I’m going to keep my eye on the prize…

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One thought on “Fear, Fear, Go Away!

  1. Without fear, you would not leap. Instead it would just be another step forward. Fear is good, it’s making you brave and inspirational!!

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