As I’ve talked to various people about this process, I’ve gotten different responses. “What are you rushing for? You’ve got plenty of time. I know someone who had a baby at 48.” “Don’t you want a husband and a father for your child?” “You need to think about this because being a single parent is really hard.” “What are you going to tell your child about it’s father and how it was conceived?” “If you want a chid so bad, why don’t you just adopt one?”
When I hear these not so encouraging questions and statements it makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Am I being selfish? I guess the short answer is yes, I am being selfish. Not only do I want a child to love, but I want to know how it feels to be pregnant. I want to pee on a stick and see that plus sign that I would’ve dreaded seeing when I was in my twenties. I want to go to a sonogram appointment and know the feeling of seeing my baby for the first time, even if it only looks like a peanut. I want to watch my belly grow and feel my baby’s kicks. I want to feel the pain of labor (but best believe I will be asking for an epidural as soon as I get to the hospital). I want to look into my baby’s eyes for the first time after the doctor puts him or her on my chest and feel that instant love connection.
I really want to tell these people to shut the hell up. Do you actually think I really would’ve planned my life this way? Does anyone really want to be pregnant at 48? Of course I want the love of my life to be my baby daddy. No, this isn’t the ideal situation. But why is it so selfish to want to fulfill a desire that you want so desperately to fulfill? Why is it selfish to want to fulfill my purpose for being a woman? Why is it selfish to want to share all this love that I have in my heart with someone that shares my genetic make-up?
What am I going to tell my child? I’m going to say that mommy wanted you so much that she did all that she could to have you. And with every selfless act that I do to show my child that I love him or her, everyone will see that being selfish was the right thing to do. So yeah, I may not be able to point to a man and say that’s your daddy, but I will be able to say I’m your mommy and I love you with all my heart. And I pray that will be enough!