What a difference a week can make. This past weekend was so much better than the last. It was filled with fun and lots of laughter. After a long hectic week, juggling work and 32 hours of a Continuing Legal Education course, I spent most of Saturday looking at this view:
The view from my beach chair
I don’t know what it is about the beach, but the sound of the ocean waves, the feeling of sand between my toes and the sun shining on my face, and the smell of Coppertone can always put me in a good mood. And when you’re there with great company, it makes the experience even better. It was my friend K’s birthday, so we (K, B and my mom) decided what better way to celebrate a birthday than relaxing on the beach. We talked about life, ate junk food, laughed, took naps, ate a little more, played in the ocean, and even got on a couple of amusement park rides on the boardwalk.
Even though the subject of the baby came up, I really didn’t think about the process, the financials or the success rates. We mainly just talked about what we would do with the baby next summer and how we would handle coming to the beach with the baby. All positive thoughts… In between the positive thoughts I had some quiet time to reflect on life and how fortunate I am. I may not have everything that I want but I certainly have everything that I need. Most importantly, I have my loving family, and great friends like B and K to provide me with constant support and motivation. I really couldn’t go through this process without them.
So, if I get down or go through a rough patch over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to reflect on this weekend. I’ll envision my view from my beach chair and the joy I felt; it will surely help me make it through. In life, it’s the little moments that really count and you must do everything to capture them. Just remember:
I have Temporomandibular Disorder (TMD) or what most people call TMJ. I grind and clench my teeth at night, which my dentist says is very common in my profession. I work in Washington, D.C. and am a licensed attorney. My dentist said approximately 80% of the attorneys he sees in this area are diagnosed with TMJ. What’s the main culprit of this? Stress!
So when I’m busy at night grinding my teeth, I wake up the next morning with my jaws hurting like heck! I’m supposed to wear this at night to help prevent me from grinding:
Night Guard Used to Help Prevent Jaw Pain Caused By Nighttime Grinding and Clenching
If I wear it, it helps tremendously with the pain. But the key word is “if”. And considering I spent a fortune on it, and that’s after insurance coverage, you would think I would wear it every night. I can’t even tell you why I don’t wear it. It sits right next to my toothbrush and stares at me every night when I brush my teeth before bed.
Well today I’m kicking myself in the butt for not wearing it. I woke up with the worst jaw pain. It feels like a nonstop ear ache! I knew I had some stress but didn’t think I had this much. Funny how your body sure let’s you know when you’ve had enough. And my mandibles are telling me I’ve had enough! I will be certain to wear my guard tonight!
I knew I was sort of stressed because I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately. The kind that when you wake up you’re like: “what was that all about?” I don’t remember all of them but here are the two that I remember…
Yesterday I woke up angry. I had a dream about a “friend” that I had in middle school. I put friend in quotes because she was what today we would call a frenemy. I haven’t thought about this girl in ages so I don’t know what made me dream about her. This girl copied every single thing I did, down to buying every outfit I had. She even went to the point of having her mom befriend my mom so she could go shopping with her and know exactly where to buy the outfits from. It was so creepy and weird. (Sounds like the making of the movie “Single White Female”). She lived up the block from me and when she came outside and saw what I was wearing, she would go back into her house and change into the exact same outfit I had on — down to the socks! She would also get mad if I decided I didn’t want to hang out with her that day and hung out with my other friends. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, but this was just weird and would piss me off and when I had enough of it I ended my relationship with her. If we had the internet back then and memes were popular, I would’ve sent her this before ending our “friendship”:
So back to my dream… I dreamt that we were friends again and I told her about my desire to get pregnant and my plans for IUI. She then rushed to the fertility clinic and got inseminated and pregnant on the first try. And to top it off, she wound up giving birth and I was still trying to get pregnant. Needless to say I was mad at letting her back into my life.
So that dream made me start looking at IUI success rates yesterday. The numbers aren’t great (I’ll do a post on that later). And with the statistics on my mind, last night I had a dream that I had multiple rounds of IUI and each one ended with a BFN (that’s a Big Fat Negative on a pregnancy test for those of you reading that’s not consumed with fertility talk). At the end of my dream I dreamt that I left the fertility clinic and wound up on a mountain. I was trying to climb to the top, but it just seemed never-ending. Each time I got near the top and saw the end in sight, the part of the mountain I was on would scroll down and there would be more mountain I would have to climb. The mountain just went on and on and I had to continue to climb. I woke up frustrated, exhausted, and with my jaws in pain!
These two dreams just tell me that I’m thinking about this journey too much. The mountain certainly signifies my feelings that I’m doing this uphill climb with so many obstacles and it just seems insurmountable at times. I need to relax and go with the flow, knowing that things will happen when it’s time. Logically I know this, but emotionally is another story. I have to tell myself to just pace myself and keep on climbing, knowing that eventually I will reach the top!
With Persistence and Patience I Will Reach the Top!
I love reality television. There’s something about being a voyeur into someone else’s life that I find interesting. I’m dating myself here, but my fascination with reality tv started with MTV’s The Real World. Since then I have watched Survivor, The Amazing Race, American Idol, the Real Housewives series, the Bachelor/Bachelorette series, and quite a few more shows. I’ve recently gotten into Duck Dynasty (I’m fascinated at how this family has made millions off of manufacturing duck calls and their way of lifestyle). I’ve even watched the show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo — I admit I cannot pull away from this show; it’s like watching a train wreck waiting to happen…
So when I heard that WE tv was going to air a new show called Pregnant and Dating, I had to set my DVR. The show follows five women — Kiesha, Megan, Melissa, Shana and Rachel — who are single, pregnant and looking for love. At first I thought this was going to be another train wreck waiting to happen, or highlight men who have a fetish for pregnant women. My verdict is still out on the show; however, I was pleasantly surprised at the first episode. All of the women on the show are succesful women, who for one reason or another are not with their “Baby Daddy”. They don’t come off as party girls who got “knocked up” and are still looking to party. They all have jobs and are able to take care of a baby on their own.
Although this show is progressive, my one disappointment was that it did not have any single mom’s by choice on the show. All of the women know and had some type of relationship (no matter how brief the encounter) with their child’s father. It would have been nice to see the story of a single mom by choice and how she navigates trying to find love. As we all know, dating is hard! If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many women who have decided to become single mothers by choice.
I can’t imagine navigating the dating world while pregnant. I applaud these women for allowing the world to see their journey. It takes courage to put your life on display and I hope these women find their Mr. Right.
I’ve read a couple of reviews about the show — some positive and some not so positive. One reviewer posed the question of why these women would get pregnant without being in a relationship with the answer of perhaps they were paying “subliminal attention to the biological clock.” Who knows why/how they became single mothers. But joking about a woman’s biological clock isn’t funny. Surely it was a man who wrote this review…
A commenter to one of the reviews asked why would a guy date a pregnant woman, and then went on to say that now the woman can have two men to hit up for child support — “the baby daddy and the fool she dates”. This comment angered me the most. Why must the woman be seen as some money hungry person? The majority of women today are independent and fully capable of taking care of herself and her child(ren). This commenter obviously did not read the recent Pew Research report that states that women are not only more likely to be the primary caregivers in a family, but increasingly they are the primary breadwinners too! It goes on to state that 4 in 10 American households with children under the age of 18 has a mother who is either the sole or primary earner for the family. This figured has quadrupled since 1960 and is the highest on record. The reason for this? It is more common for single women to raise children on their own — nearly two-thirds of the mothers who are chief breadwinners are single parents! Clearly these women are not looking to “hit up” a man for money!
Women are capable of doing anything they put their mind to. We are strong and resilient! So here’s to all the Superwomen, I mean single moms (be it by choice or by chance)! 🙂
I am the world’s coolest and greatest aunt. (So I’ve been told by my niece and nephew). I love my niece and nephew as if they were my own and last night I had the pleasure of babysitting them. I took them to the park and watched them play and then we went for a walk around a lake as we ate italian ices from Rita’s. We when got back to my brother’s house we sat on the couch and watched some television; my niece curled up next to me on one side and my nephew on the other, both with their heads on my chest. I previously wrote about a conversation I had with my nephew about me having kids. Well, last night he brought the topic up again. He picked his head up off of my chest and looked at me with his innocent eyes and this is how the conversation went:
Nephew: Do you want kids?
Me: Of course I do.
Nephew: Well, you NEED to have some right now. (Emphasis all his)
Me: Oh really.
Nephew: Yes! So you should get married and have some kids right now!
Me: Why?
Nephew: Because I just think you should have some kids. And you should have them now so I won’t be too old and they will know me and we can play together. If you have one now, when I’m 10 it will be 5.
Me: Oh so you just want some cousins to play with?
Nephew: Well, I want some cousins, but I also want you to have some kids. So get married and have some kids, ok?! But you know, having a baby is hard, but once they get bigger it’s not that hard anymore, but I can help you.
Me: Ok, thanks buddy. I will work on having some cousins for you to play with…
This conversation got me thinking about all of the questions my niece and nephew will have once I get pregnant and have my baby. In particular:
Once I have my baby, how am I going to explain to them that I have a baby but did not get married? How am I going to explain to them that my baby does not have a father? I began to get worried, but then realized that having to explain to my niece and nephew about my conception and my child’s donor will be the perfect opportunity for me to practice telling my child about its birth and parentage. Having to explain it first to my niece and nephew will probably make it a little easier for me to have to explain it to my child. They will probably ask me all of the questions my child might ask and by the time my child asks them I will already have an answer. Hopefully…
So with this conversation on my brain I decided to search for a donor today. Typically when I log onto the donor website I have so much anxiety and feel as if I don’t know what to look for. But surprisingly today my search was a bit easier. I actually found 4 donors that I “favorited” and am highly interested in. I still have some more searching to do until I’m 100% sure of who I want to choose, but I’m one step closer to giving my niece and nephew a little cousin to play with. 🙂
I’ve had a whirlwind week. It started with me going to see Dr. N, my fertility doc, to discuss my recent thyroid levels and plan my next steps in this journey. Dr. N reviewed my blood work and was a little more optimistic than Dr. B, my endocrinologist, was. She told me that I won’t have to wait the 8 weeks that Dr. B wanted me to wait but that I can re-test my thyroid levels in 4 weeks and if the levels are good then I can go ahead and schedule my IUI.
There was one little bit of disappointing news that she gave me though. It appears that now my prolactin levels are slightly elevated which could cause problems with a fertilized egg trying to attached to my uterus. So she gave me a prescription for Dostinex (Cabergoline) to lower my prolactin levels. When I test my thyroid levels in 4 weeks I will also test to see if this new prescription is working to lower the prolactin.
And this is just the beginning of the pill regimen. During my initial consultation with Dr. N we discussed the possibility of doing a Natural Cycle IUI without any medication. However, after reviewing my history again, and with the new hormonal problems, we have changed plans. Because there is a strong possibility that my right fallopian tube is blocked, with Dr. N’s advice, I have decided that when I’m ready to do my first IUI I will take Clomid to increase the chances that I will release eggs from both ovaries, thereby increasing my chances of conception. When I pictured getting pregnant this certainly was not in my vision. But I am grateful for the medical technology and expertise to help me achieve my goal. I guess I better get used to popping pills. 🙂
I left my appointment with Dr. N feeling more hopeful than I have in a while. And this positive feeling was certainly needed to help me get through the week. I spent the rest of the week preparing to host my housewarming party. Yes, I’ve been in my house for almost a year, but I had some work I needed to get done in the house before I was ready to host a party. I was thinking about just skipping a housewarming, but decided that I needed to have people over to bring in the love and make my house feel like a home. I had the party yesterday and am really glad I did it. It was a great turnout and everyone had a great time. There was lots of food, laughter and LOVE! And here are the stars of the party:
Red Velvet Cupcakes Made From Scratch
Vanilla Cupcakes Made From Scratch
Peach and Strawberry Sangria
This party was just another showing of the amazing support network that I have and I am grateful for!!! Oh, and by the way, my grass finally started to fill in and is getting greener by the day! 🙂
They say that how green your grass is usually is a matter of perspective. But in my case, it truly is greener on the other side. As part of preparing to become a mom, I purchased a house last summer. Since I haven’t been able to focus on baby planning, I’ve been using my time and energy to decorate my house and fix up my yard.
As soon as spring arrived and we got a little warm weather I started working in my yard. I’ve always envisioned that when I bought a house I would have plush green grass. Grass that looks like this:
Plush Green Grass
Instead, I have grass that looks like this:
A Lawn In Need of Help
The previous owner of my house didn’t take care of the lawn at all and it was overrun with moss and weeds. So I bought some products to kill the moss and weeds, to prepare it for new grass seeds, which made it look even worse. A couple of weeks ago I put down grass seeds and have been watering my grass daily, hoping to see a fresh new lawn by now. Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. Some of the seeds took and I have pretty little blades of grass springing up, but there are a lot of spaces in which the grass decided not to grow at all. Looking at my neighbors’ lawns I started to have lawn envy. Everyone has a nice full, green lawn, and I have dirt, with patches of grass here and there. So last week I bought more grass seeds and put them down with the hope that this time it will take and I will finally have the green lawn that I want. I’m going to keep working on it — getting up early every day to water it, putting down fertilizer and more grass seeds where necessary. With every little new blade that pops up, I get closer to having that green green grass that I want…
Thinking about my lawn made me think about this process of trying to get pregnant. Going back and forth to the doctor and trying to get my thyroid levels under control to get my body ready and able to conceive, is kind of like getting rid of the moss and weeds in the lawn to prepare it for the new grass. I’ve had a little set back with my thyroid being a little overactive now and everything is delayed yet again, which has truly been disappointing. But with a little extra time and care, things will be under control, and I will be able to move forward and my body will be ready to get pregnant. Hopefully it won’t take multiple attempts like with the planting of my grass seeds.
For a control freak like myself, it’s hard to let go and let things happen. But I am learning to embrace the fact that everything happens in its own time. And as my friend K told me: “The sweetest things in life are the ones you had to work or fight to have.” So, instead of stressing, today I took a break from my lawn care and participated in the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life with K. It was a great way to get a little exercise in while raising money for cancer research. While we were at the event, I saw K walking toward me with a piece of paper with something crawling on it. My reaction to her was: “Whatever that is, I don’t know why you’re bringing it this way.” She said: “Relax, I’m bringing you something good.” And with that, she placed a ladybug in my hand and told me to make a wish. So with a smile, I closed my eyes, made my wish, and thought nothing but positive thoughts as the ladybug flew away.
I don’t think I will ever understand men. After my promising conversation with Mr. Texas, he fizzled away quicker than a 4th of July sparkler. We had the initial 2 hour phone conversation where he thanked me for being normal and said he looked forward to speaking to me again. The next day we exchanged a couple of text messages where we both told each other we were looking forward to getting to know each other. And then a whole week passed and I heard nothing from him. So I decided to give him a call. He answered the phone and said he was about to head off to the gym but he could chat for a bit. That chat turned into another 2 hour phone call. And that was the last I heard from Mr. Texas…
I just don’t understand how he seemed interested in getting to know one another, but he just never followed through. I’m not sure if he was waiting for me to continue calling him or he just wasn’t interested. I’m going with the latter; which is fine but I just don’t understand why he just wouldn’t say so. It makes no sense to me to spend all that time talking to someone if you’re just not interested. So Mr. Texas has officially been placed in the category with the rest of the weird, “not so normal” men…
I often wonder should I even be trying to date right now. Should I just concentrate on finding the perfect sperm donor and preparing for insemination? Maybe the timing just isn’t right… Because honestly, even if I met a great guy, I’m not sure I would put my plans for IUI on hold. There’s no guarantee that we would work out and I would have wasted more time on my fertility clock. I’m hoping that Mr. Right would just understand my plans and be supportive. And if he isn’t, then maybe he’s not the right guy for me. But I’m realistic and know that would be asking for a whole lot from another person and understand that most people could not and would not want to deal with that.
I really want to be in an honest, loving and committed relationship but I can no longer sacrifice my fertility to find that. So what’s a girl to do? Do I continue to search on Match for my perfect mate or just focus on scrolling through the sperm donor website until I find the perfect swimmers? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that my favorite show is about to start, so I will be shutting down the computer and not searching on any website. I will be watching Scandal to see what happens between Olivia and Fitz!
“Thanks for being normal!” That’s what “Mr. Texas” said last night as he was hanging up from our two hour phone conversation. And he took the words right out of my mouth! I “met” Mr. Texas through an online dating website. Anyone who knows me knows that my experience with online dating has been quite interesting to say the least. And from our conversation last night, I could tell that he has had an interesting experience as well. I’ve talked to and met a lot of “not so normal” men so it was a pleasant surprise to actually talk to someone “normal”.
I could not believe that we actually talked that long. As you know from my previous posts, lately I’ve been meeting a lot of men who seem to be adverse to talking on the phone and just want to text, so it was refreshing to have a live conversation. Even though it was our first conversation it kind of felt like we already knew each other. We had quite a bit in common and shared a lot of laughter. The conversation just flowed and we both could not believe that we were on the phone for so long. And honestly the only reason why we got off of the phone was because it was after 11 pm and we both had to be at work this morning.
Mr. Texas is from you guessed it, Texas. 🙂 He moved to the DC area last year for work. He seems smart, funny, and like a southern gentleman. I know it’s just one conversation, and I’m not investing a lot in it, but it was a nice start. We exchanged a few texts this afternoon and he said that he looks forward to speaking to me again. So here’s to hoping he continues to be normal, more long phone conversations and a possible first date… 🙂
I’m back and this post is long overdue! I’ve been back from my trip for more than a week now and I already feel like I need another vacation. Right before I left for my trip I did receive some good news from my endocrinologist. Dr. B reviewed my thyroid sonogram and said that there weren’t any nodules so I don’t have to have a biopsy. Now all I have to do is wait another 4 weeks to see if the medicine is working and my levels are under control.
My trip to Puerto Rico was nice. T and I hadn’t seen each other in more than a year and a half, so it was great to reconnect and hang out with each other. The 90 degree weather and beach didn’t hurt either. 🙂 We ate, drank, ate some more, and had a whole lot of adventure… One day, we took a full day tour that started out with hiking the El Yunque Rainforest, then going to a local beach for a couple of hours (the experience at this beach is a post all to itself — in fact T wrote a tripadvisor review on how bad it was), and ended with kayaking at night to a Bioluminescent Bay (“Bio Bay”).
When we were told about the Bio Bay tour, it was explained that we would be taken to this lake that glowed in the dark — hence the need to go see it at night. We were told that it would be a spectaular view — the lake would be all lit up in this mysterious blue-green color, created by micro-organisms similar to lightening bugs. We were told it would look like this:
When the bus pulled up to the tour, the sun was setting and I first noticed that we were not at a lake. Little did we know that we would first have to kayak in the ocean, to get to this mangrove, that would then lead us to the lake. In case you don’t know what a magrove looks like, here’s a picture:
Since I had never been kayaking before, and T has more muscle strength than me, she sat in the back of the kayak to provide the muscle power and I sat in the front to provide the “sight” and navigation. The first leg of the trip was pretty cool. Even though navigating through the mangrove was pretty tricky, we were still filled with excitement anticipating the glowing fish and lumniscent water. We were in a group with about 20 other kayaks, traveling single file, with two guides (one in the front and one in the back). We were amped. But by the time we got to the lake, in the dark, and did not see any part of the lake glowing, the adrenalin wore off. You see, in order to see anything “glowing” you actually had to agitate the water. Talk about being deflated… So after about 5 minutes of moving our paddles around and swirling the water with our hands, we were ready to get back to shore.
But by this time it’s pitch black outside and we have to try to navigate back through the mangrove. The only speck of “light” we had was these little glow in the dark rings that were attached to each kayak.
To say the trip back was more than chaotic would be an understatement. The lead guide, who had a flashlight, actually left us!! All of the kayakers were left by ourselves to try to get back to shore and it was literally like a game of “bumper kayaks” — but no one was laughing. Kayaks were bumping into each other left and right. We were getting smacked in the ribs with mangrove branches and kayak paddles. It was a nightmare!
How did we make it out of there??? By T’s muscle power, me navigating and yelling “left”, “right”, “duck”, “watch out”, and pure faith!! Even though we were tired, frustrated, and a little scared, we had to keep pushing on and just believe that we were going to make it back to shore. As soon as we made it out of the mangrove and saw the lights glimmering from the shoreline, it was like there was a collective sigh of relief. And even though we weren’t finished, we were able to see the finish line. It was the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel… And with a few more strokes of the kayak paddles we were safe and sound and back on shore.
This kayaking adventure made me think about my baby journey. I often feel like I’m traveling in the dark and don’t know where to go. Constantly questioning my decisions — my turns. And then when I feel like I’m finally on track, I get smacked in the face with a branch. And then I’m back to: “Am I going the right way?” I don’t have any concrete answers. I only know that my desire to become a mom isn’t happenstance. It’s been here forever and no matter what I do, I can’t shake it; so I have to have faith that everything that I am doing is right and will lead me to my ultimate goal of becoming a mom. Even though there are times that it may seem dark, and I can’t see where I’m going, I have to keep moving and not be sidetracked by the occassional slap to the rib.
And sometimes, there are just little signs to let me know that I am navigating on the right path. While touring Old San Juan one day, we stopped at this little park that was overlooking the ocean. We took in the scenery and snapped a few pictures. T then told me to look down and this is what I saw:
A teeny “statue” of a pair of baby shoes in the middle of nowhere!!! There was no sign or anything near the shoes to tell me about the history or the significance of the shoes. I just know that they were there for me to see and let me know that I am on the right track. On this trip that I planned as a last “hoorah” before insemination I get to see what symbolizes my next phase in life. A little glimmer of light to let me know that I am getting close to shore. And with that, I will continue to walk by faith and not by sight! 🙂
I’m going to Puerto Rico tomorrow for some much-needed rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation. When I originally planned this trip with my friend T, it was supposed to be my “last hoorah” trip; eat, drink (and drink), and be merry before my first IUI in May. However, as I mentioned before, my first IUI (and fingers crossed my only) has to be postponed until I get my thyroid levels under control.
I am notoriously known for overpacking, so last night while packing my bags I made a conscious effort to try to pack light. I probably still put more outfits in my bag than I should have, but I did make a vast improvement. Honestly, all I really need is a bathing suit and some shorts, but this girl likes clothes and it’s hard to choose which outfits I want to bring…
While thinking about packing light (and thankfully it’s all summer clothes so I’m nowhere near my 50 lbs. weight limit) I thought about real life baggage and how that can emotionally weigh you down. We all have emotional baggage. The only difference between us all is how big the bag is — some people are able to just have a small tote bag, while others have trunks. Our past experiences can leave imprints on our life and shape the way we view things and handle situations. To have a fulfilling life, we must learn from past situations, without being limited by them. And I must admit, I’m not very good at this.
I tend to focus on “closed doors” and missed opportunities; trying to analyze the “what if’s” and “what did that mean?”. This oftentimes keeps me stuck in the past and unable to embrace the present. I find myself doing this a lot while dating. I’ll use my past to judge the new person I meet. Sometimes it’s justified, but I wonder how many times I use my past to shut down someone before I’ve given him a fair opportunity. Is it my baggage that’s holding me back from finding my Prince Charming or is it really just slim pickings out there? I know plenty of single women, and they don’t have the same baggage that I do, so I’m going to say it’s slim pickings — but I know me being judgmental (or as I like to call it, picky) doesn’t help things… 🙂
I know I have some work to do to get rid of some of my baggage. I don’t want to be so weighed down by my bags that it limits me. I also don’t want it to prevent me from being the best parent I can be. So as part of my rejuvenation on this trip, I’m going to read this book I just downloaded on my Kindle: “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brene Brown. I’m going to use this time to try to get rid of my emotional clutter and open myself up to living life wholeheartedly. I’m going to learn how to pack light!
And I won’t forget about the rest and relaxation part of my trip. It will look like this:
Designer Bags to Diaper Bags 